I am dieing. Some flu bug thing that is currently located in my throat. And I have serious work to do tonight for class tomorrow.


This journal is now friends only. My journal is a place for my thoughts, and I am sick of judgment coming from others when I choose to blow off steam. I have updated my friends list as well.

Thank God for this snow. I needed a day for me. I played with the dog for about an hour. I will clean the kitchen and living room later.

I am listening to this Dave Matthew's CD like crazy. I lvoe every song on it, but Grave Digger is probably the best track.

We are going to New Jersey tomorrow. I hope it works out well. I am feeling anger towards my family right now. Last weekend my mother gave my stupid brotherr in law this Teak elephant my dad brought back from Vietnam. I wanted it very badly, and he and my sster both knew this, and they took t anyway. It is causing me a great deal of pain, and I'm having trouble getting over it. I feel entitled to my anger, but it might be blown out of proportion because it is a small expression of 25 years of pain and anger at being one of the lesser siblings in this family.

My mother is actually so insensitive that she said "You just have to accept that your father and Andrew have a special relationship".

I am so full of rage. I've been looking to my higher power on this one, you know, "let go and let God". It's hard to be the better person when you are aching inside. My sister is a shitty person for not standing up for me, and well Andrew has always been a stick up his ass fucking shit head anyway.

So I will go to Jersey one last time this weekend, to help them pack their shit. I am expected to say nothing to my mother about what a shitty mother she is and how much she has been hurting my feelings for years by playing these favorite games. I guess that's what happens when you have six kids. It's ok to make me feel like shit, and completely ignore nick and his cocaine drama, and William's poverty, and love my sisters the most because they married assholes who take care of them and give them babies.

Fuck all of this shit. It is no wonder I have problems with my relationship. There is not one single good example of a relationship in my family. Marya should get a divorce, and when she finally broke down on Valentine's Day because Mark is such an asshole, my mother told her that she needs to suck it up and accept her role as wife and mother. Like it's the cking 1950s and women don't have options.

The last few days have been very shitty. I lost it yesterday afternoon.

I will see a psychiatrist before the end of the week. I do not enjoy loosing my grip.

I took a pregnancy test thing this morning. No results. Should I buy another test? or should I jsut admit to myself that I am just late?

I am sad about Hunter S. Thompson. Another one of the tuned in lost.

"He who makes a beast out of hmself gets rid of the pain of being a man."

I have been obsessvely watching the L word for four hours now. Love this show. I cried whil watching on episode 11 where bette is on tv fighting that evil Christian woman. She humiliates her! It was intense.

Man oh man.

I am so sick of depression taking voer my life. I am slipping back into that hole where just getting up is hard. This morning the alarm went off and i started crying because I snozed it and it did not go off again. JT drove me to work which was really nice of him. I had a migraine there all day. Iw aited for the bus at two and decided to go home and nurse my head rather than go to class.

I need to get working on shit for this semester. I need to check the due date for my reference project. I need to get sources for my preservation paper.

Library school is lame!!


Great pick up line said to librarian "What kind of card do I need to check you out?"

Following valimagdon's example, I am thinking of valentine's past...

Last year, I had just moved in with my boyfriend. JT bought me flowers and Candy and a silly stuffed monkey, and I made eggplant parm.

Two years ago, I was out of control and single. i got drunk at a bar with cobrafifty on the eve of V-day, and spent the evening of valentine's with valimagdon and cobrafifty. i ended up spending the rest of the weekend with this hot spanish guy.

Three years ago, I was dating Evans, and we went to Applebee's and to see F. W. de Klerk speak. Evans was from Kenya, and I was with a whole group of African students and their white American girlfriends. This s notable only because there was a crazy scene following the speech in which de Klerk refused to speak about Apartheid, despite the fact that the university students had paid to hear him speak on the topic.

I ended up loosing Evans in the crowd of uprising students and catching a ride with Holly. We spent the remainder of the evening walking on the Mormon Hand Cart trail and smoking joints.

This year will be quite boring in comparison.

Gail was having a party in New Jersey. Troy invited us and JT really wanted to go so we decided to get up Sunday morning and drive up there. I totally woke up completely depressed, full fo anxiety, and paranoid. I cried for a while and JT brushed my hair and encouraged me to get dressed.

I was happy once we got there, even though my anxiety level made me anti-social.

We ended up havign a great time. We went bowling and acted silly. Did not get home until after 4 am.

I really love Troy. He is such a good friend to me, and he is so down to earth. I wish he would move down here so we could go out to dinner on a friday night and get punch drunk.

JT and I are going to take a pottery class on Thursday nights starting in April. I am excited because I always feel a need to create.

Also, franchesca is coming home from Oregon this week! I miss her so much. We are going to hang out and go see some National Geographic photography.

Shit will get better. This winter will end.

I am having a good weekend. I drove to the video store tonight!! People keep honking at me because I drive so slow. I am feeling really good about the whole thing. Marya was with me tonight on the way to the video store. She kept laughing.

I will get over my fears!! I will become a driver!! Then I will take the big rode trip out west to Iowa and Minnesota!

JT is a really good teacher, he is so patient with me. I love him most of the time. I need to quit bitching because it gives the wrong impression.

Monday is Valentine's Day. We have no plans which is good. no pressure.

Might be going to Troy's for a holiday tomorrow. Not sure which one it is?

I need antianxiety medication. i need someone to talk to about it. maybe that should be the goal for the week?

I just watched Victor/Victoria. Great movie. Really ahead of its time as far as some of the issues presented there as far as gender identity. I know, paging captain obvious...but it was interesting to me in that regard anyhow.

Feeling much better now. ripping some cds. I need to get to burning some fun stuff for youcallhersusie

Everything is gong to be alrght.

I have faith that life gets better, but that does not seem to help me make it through the days when life just sucks.

My complaints are the usual. I am broke and stuck in a relationship with no future.

I just paid off some credit card from when I was in college. $1051.50. I can't even remember what I purchased with that card five years ago. The lawyers were quite nice, like pay now or go to court and triple the money you owe. Quite the lose-lose situation.

I got drunk last night and started crying in the bar. Yep, I was that guy. luckily the bar tender was pretty cool.

This is the thing that is the worst. I am becoming something i've never wanted to be, dependent on a man. I am repulsed by the idea of it. I pay my rent and my bills, it's the little in between things though. The rides to work and all. I am starting to feel trapped. At the same time, I see my friends and sisters who find these guys who pay their bills and they love it. So maybe I am thinking, damn boyfriend person, you make four times as much money as i do, fucking pay my bills.

It is a double edge sword. I don't feel like I could leave now, yet it's not like the benefits are the same as some other girls, who pay nothing. And if I left JT, I would not have a boyfriend for a long long time, so I really would have to start making more money and being on my own again, and I don't really want that.

So yes, I am staying with a guy I have luke warm feelings about because I am afraid to be alone. There I said it now. It is easier to be with a man then be on your own. There is some perception that someone is taking care of me. Is it true? I don't know. If it were, I would not be feeling money stress. I would have a fucking ring on my finger. I would not cry at Valentine's advertisements, or get mad at JT when he chews gum with his mouth open.

I feel very lonely and unloved. You aren't supposed to feel those things when you are with someone.

I really need a therapist. I need to work on some of my issues asap. I feel like my whole brain is fucked up beause of the examples I was given as a child. My mom never left my dad, because she didn't have the money and she had so many fucking kids. I never want to depend on a man because i don't want that shit to happen to me. My father was a domineering asshole, so I only chose men who are passive. Lastly, my father deeply hurt me by inflicting the "you are not worthy of love if you are not thin" bullshit. I mean the man said you will never have a good job, you will never find a man who will love you....blah blah blah.

This is like the worst, whiny, live journal entry ever. I think about making it private, but then I am like fuck it, i am whiny sometimes, why should this be excluded from my record of thoughts?